Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
