And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
