My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
