Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
