My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize