It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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