now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
