Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
