you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
