I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
