btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i already hear my dad disowning me
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
