I just threw up on my dentist
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize