Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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