Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize