I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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