my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
