They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Randomize
