What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
