God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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