I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
