I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
