I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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