I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize