I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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