Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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