his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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