The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
