just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
