Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
