Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
