Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize