You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
