I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
