omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
