i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
