I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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