i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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