We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He felt like a one man threesome
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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