M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
