Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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