I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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