The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
