no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I want to make a zoo with you.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
