a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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