You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
