I wanna passion pit in your ass
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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