I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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