Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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