I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
