i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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