To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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