Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
