I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
