He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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