my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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