You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize