genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
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