I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
