She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
