i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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