chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize