i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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