This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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