I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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