at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you didnt know i had herpes?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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