The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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